The Importance of Male Leadership
Complain But Don’t Criticize
This is the fourth and final installment in a series of articles I have been writing concerning conflict resolution in marriage. Right now I want to talk about the difference between complaining and criticizing. This is such a crucial distinction to understand when we are trying to work through problems.
All of us need the freedom to complain to our spouse. We also need to make sure our spouse knows they have the right to complain to us. In a healthy marriage, there is a freedom of expression that allows us to talk openly without fear of retribution or shame.
All of us need the freedom to complain to our spouse. We also need to make sure our spouse knows they have the right to complain to us.
When we complain, we must remember that it isn’t about our spouse, it is about us. Even though we may be complaining about something they have done that bothers us, the focus is on how we feel. In other words, if Karen has done something that bothers me and I confront her about it I would say something like, “Karen, you were short tempered with me this morning and it bothered me. I don’t know what was wrong, you could have been mad at me or it might have been something else, but I don’t like it when you respond to me that way. If I’ve done something to make you mad then I want you to tell me.”
Notice that I didn’t begin by accusing or attacking her. I began by talking about how I felt and my desire to understand what happened. I also said that if I had done something wrong, then I wanted to know it and take responsibility for it. Complaining gets everything out on the table without demeaning our spouse or putting them on the defensive.
Criticizing is different. Criticizing focuses on the other person as it accuses them and immediately puts them on the defensive. If I were going to say the same thing I said before to Karen, but I did it in a critical manner here is what I would say: “Karen, you were short tempered with me this morning and I don’t appreciate it. There is something wrong with you and I want you to figure out what it is and stop it. I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’ve done nothing wrong and you’re just a hot head. The next time you do that I’m going to let you have it.”
Notice the difference in complaining and criticizing? Complaining explains the problem, but gives our spouse a gracious way to respond and explain their side. Since it focuses on how I feel and doesn’t try to interpret their actions, it keeps the conversation civil and constructive.
Criticizing immediately puts you in a battle mode. The confronter becomes the judge and jury and the confronted spouse becomes the criminal trying to prove their innocence in a hostile environment. Bottom line — criticizing doesn’t work.
You must be careful to begin your confrontations with affirmation and respect for your spouse. Research has proven that a conversation will seldom rise above the tone of the first three minutes. Also, complain but don’t criticize. Get your emotions under control before you confront and keep your mouth in check. Focus on how you feel and allow your spouse the right to complain back to you and explain what is going on inside of them.
If you will do this, you will see a lot of fruit from it. Your confrontations will be much more pleasant and productive. You will also be able to talk more freely with each other without the risk of hurting each other. This creates intimacy and friendship. That is the end result of successful conflict resolution. It let’s you work through problems as you preserve and enhance the good will between you.
One Heart, One Home and One Mind
“…the two shall become one flesh…” Genesis 2:24b
When God created marriage, He created foundational laws for it to be guided and guarded. One of those laws is the law of possession. It is stated in the Scripture above. Once we are married we are no longer two, but one.
Certainly, this relates to the beauty of sexual intimacy that is unique within the marriage relationship. But it also goes far beyond that and is a profoundly important concept to understand. The law of possession means that for marriage to work, we must share everything and possess nothing apart from one another.
…God created marriage to produce the deepest intimacy and bonding possible in a human relationship. Once we are married, we must yield our rights over our own bodies.
To illustrate the truth of this point, look at these words from the Apostle Paul: “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-4
The meaning of this Scripture reveals how God created marriage to produce the deepest intimacy and bonding possible in a human relationship. Once we are married, we must yield our rights over our own bodies. This isn’t a license for abuse, it is a guarantee of use in getting our needs met. The context of Paul’s words is sex in marriage
In God’s design, we can’t withhold from each other. This includes sex or any other area. We must give everything we have to each other and share everything. This is why it is called the law of possession. The only way two different individuals can become one is if both of us are willing to take what was ours individually and now surrender it to the common cause.
This law stands in stark contrast to marriage in our modern society. Rather than surrendering and sharing with a sacrificial, servant spirit — couples are more selfish and independent than ever. It is “my” body “my” money “my”—career. etc. The bottom line is this—the word “my” destroys the spirit of marriage. The word “ours” creates the spirit of marriage.
Marriage is about sharing our lives with each other. That requires giving of ourselves and caring for each other. It means we don’t make decisions without the agreement of our spouses. It means we don’t withdraw sex or anything else in the relationship to punish or control. It means all of the money and assets of the family belong to both spouses equally, regardless of where they came from or who went to work to earn them.
Selfishness and independence destroy the spirit of marriage. Giving and sharing create the strongest bond of intimacy possible. This intimacy is so powerful that the word used to describe it is “one”. Two people becoming one heart, one home and one mind as they lay aside their individualism and selfishness is what marriage is all about.
I encourage you to consider this point related to your own marriage. It is an area we can all grow in.
Ten Mothers-in-law
I was on a television program once where they were taking live questions from viewers all over the U.S. One of the callers had an interesting question for me. The first hint I had that this wasn’t going to be a common question was when she stated that she had ten mothers-in-law.
The village her husband was from in Africa shared children among groups. Her husband was literally raised by a group of ten women who each considered themselves to be his mother. Now, after he had immigrated to the United States and married, each of these women wanted to be a part of his life and to have a say in his marriage. I’m thinking about writing Stephen King and offering this to him as an idea for his next book.
As these mothers-in-law were each vying for position and influence in their marriage and family, this woman’s husband was passive and wouldn’t stand up and do anything about it. The wife literally couldn’t make any decision or have a say about anything without being usurped by a “mother-in-law”.
Remember, I was on live television being asked by this woman what to do. I remember how I answered her. I told her that it didn’t matter if you had one mother-in-law or ten, the principles are always the same. Her husband needed to stand up and protect her from the interference of these women.
Even though we must honor our parents, we also must protect the priority and sovereignty of our homes above anyone or anything else.
Even though we must honor our parents, we also must protect the priority and sovereignty of our homes above anyone or anything else. This husband’s passivity was making her life unmanageable and things needed to change quickly.
Besides offering encouragement for those with in-law difficulties, I’m mentioning her story to make this point — most problems in marriage have pretty simple solutions. On a regular basis I hear spouses and couples tell me of the most complicated and difficult issues in their marriages and families that you can imagine. In fact, I know some of you can imagine because you are living in a marriage or family like that.
Let me encourage you that as difficult and complicated as things may be, there is an answer and it’s probably not that complicated. I will finish this article by listing some things that we need to remember about marriage. Doing these things makes a dramatic difference and can turn the most difficult and complicated circumstances around. Here they are:
I know the things I’ve just listed aren’t the answer to every problem, but they cover the vast majority of the issues we deal with in marriage.
