Grace and Truth: Two Extremes

The Enemy of Sexual Fulfillment: Unresolved Anger

Confrontation with Kindness

Weak Husbands and Dominant Wives

The Dreaded Teeter-Totter Syndrome

There is a dangerous dynamic that sets up in many marriages. I call it the teeter-totter syndrome. It is based upon the dynamic where we naturally respond to our spouse’s behavior. When one spouse moves to an unhealthy or extreme position, the other spouse will almost always adjust to the other extreme to protect themselves and the relationship.

Imagine two people sitting face to face in the middle of a teeter-totter on a playground. Since they are in the very middle of the teeter-totter, they are close and their weight is balanced. But what happens if one of them moves backwards? You know how it works. On a teeter-totter, everything the other person does on their side effects you on your side—just like marriage.

If the other person on a teeter-totter moves backwards, then you also have to move backwards to keep the balance. If they continue to move backwards, you have to keep moving. The most extreme position would be for two people to both be on the very end of their side in the classic position we think of related to an actual playground teeter-totter. Even though it may be fun on a playground, it is a pain dynamic in marriage.

The way it works in real life is like this: One spouse is out of control in their spending so the other spouse has to go to extremes to try to protect the money; one spouse is distant with the kids and won’t discipline them, so the other spouse has to become the disciplinarian and full time attendant; one spouse becomes a religious fanatic and tries to enforce a legalistic environment in the home so the other spouse fights to keep some fun and balance in the marriage and in their own life which the other spouse interprets as sin and compromise.

The truth is that our natural response to what we perceive to be a wrong move on our spouse’s part is to adjust accordingly to a “balancing” position. This is the teeter-totter syndrome.

There are many other examples I could use but you get the point. The truth is that our natural response to what we perceive to be a wrong move on our spouse’s part is to adjust accordingly to a “balancing” position. This is the teeter-totter syndrome. Almost all couples have experienced it. Many have experienced it to an extreme and it has caused a great deal of pain and sometimes even divorce.

So how do you avoid getting into this? You pursue your spouse when they make a move you don’t like, you don’t react in kind. Many people justify their extreme behavior in a relationship because of the extreme of their spouse. The problem is their spouse also justifies their behavior because of their extreme.

Let’s go to the example of the fanatical legalist and their “”sinning”" spouse. The “”sinner”" justifies their behavior because they don’t want to live in a marriage monastery. You can’t blame them for that even though some of their behavior may be over the line. Their super-religious spouse justifies their behavior because they see their role as the marriage messiah. They must hold the standard high to atone for their reprobate mate in hopes that someday they will see the light.

So who is right and who is wrong? Both of them are wrong and neither are justified in their responses. When Adam and Eve fell they both refused to take responsibility for their actions and they both blamed someone else. Regardless of what our spouse does, we must do the right thing. I can’t justify wrong behavior because of my spouse’s behavior.

The answer is threefold when you see the teeter-totter syndrome in effect. The first is loving communication and pursuit. Talk to your spouse about their behavior and tell them you feel a distance. Don’t react and create even more distance. The second step is to take responsibility for your own actions. Remember, you began face-to-face in the middle of the teeter-totter. If you’ve moved, you’re wrong. You can’t justify your actions and it’s not your spouse’s fault. Be humble and realize that some of your spouse’s actions could have been in response to your moving away from them.

The third step is to get help. If you can’t resolve an issue on your own, don’t sit by as your marriage grows more and more distant and the problems more dangerous. Get help. Be willing to get advice and take it. Don’t be satisfied until you are sitting face-to-face again. Remember, that is where you started and the best times in your marriage are always spent right there!