Priorities in the Blended Family

In more than thirty years of counseling with blended families, I’ve learned that not every family is successful at “blending”—especially when it comes to the priorities of the marriage and children.

An intact nuclear family starts with a marriage and then adds children to the mix. But in a blended family, the children are there at the beginning; they pre-date the marriage. This brings a much different dynamic to the table. In these situations, I believe kids need to be included in the dating and selection process of a mate. Without empowering the children beyond their capacity, blended family relationships simply work much better if the children feel as though they are part of the courtship experience. This is even more important when they have had a difficult time with the separation of their biological parents.

One of our employees at MarriageToday has a blended family. Before proposing, our employee’s new husband-to-be approached her teenage son and asked for his mother’s hand in marriage. It was a humbling experience for this man, but he was wise to do it. The son said, “Yes,” and from that point forward he was totally at peace with the relationship—because he had been given partial ownership of it. His role in the relationship had been respected.

After the wedding, it is crucial that the relationship between husband and wife in a blended marriage become a top priority – even a higher priority than the children. Why? Because strong families aren’t built around children – they are built upon strong marriages. In order for any marriage to be strong you have to prioritize it, work on it, continue to pursue each other, and meet each other’s needs. This is just as true in a blended marriage as in a first marriage.

Obviously, I’m not saying you should neglect your children. They are very important – but they are not as important as your marriage. If you neglect your marriage for the sake of your children, your marriage will suffer. And when your marriage suffers, so do your children.

In most cases, people in a blended family have experienced divorce. That means your children have already witnessed a failed marriage. As their role model, you need to show them a successful marriage—not another failed one. Think of it this way: raising kids is a temporary assignment in life. Your children will leave home one day. They will grow up and “graduate” from your care but your marriage should last for a lifetime.

Spouses who neglect their marriage for their children are in for a lot of heartache. When the children grow up and leave home, those spouses only have a shell of a marriage remaining. Their children will not have had a successful marriage to emulate when they get married. Not only will your marriage suffer but marriages in the next generation will suffer.

Yes, your children are precious and important. Of course, they deserve your love and attention. But make sure you are balancing your care of them with care for your marriage. By giving your spouse the attention they deserve, you are teaching your children to respect them (their new parent) also. By working hard at your marriage, you model success for them and prepare them for the future. That’s a deeper, long-lasting kind of love.

Blended families are a challenge, but I have seen blended-family marriages thrive when the husband and wife keep marriage a priority and respect their children. Building something that extends far beyond the childrearing years gives your children a foundation to build upon for themselves.

I hope these thoughts are encouraging to you this Christmas as we celebrate the birth of Christ into the family of Mary and Joseph—a blended family situation that had challenges we can’t imagine! May you know the peace of Christ this Christmas season in your home, your marriage, and your family.

We at MarriageToday wish you a joy-filled Christmas.

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To Spank or Not to Spank…

3 Reasons Proper Discipline is a Vital Way to Bless Your Children

A swat on the hand of the toddler reaching for an open flame. A smack on the backside for the five-year-old defiantly testing the boundaries of parental authority. These used to be common, time-tested parenting practices for rearing well-adjusted, functional children. But no more.

Physical discipline has become politically incorrect and, in some regions, is on the verge of being criminalized.

Not surprisingly, lots of new parents are confused about the whole subject of parenting. That’s why Jimmy Evans’ teaching titled “Positive Parental Discipline” is such a welcome resource.

Below you’ll find a short excerpt from that teaching, along with information on how to stream or download the entire teaching online. You’ll also learn how to order the entire Successful Parenting series from which it’s taken.

Jimmy Evans: from his teaching “Positive Parental Discipline”

Here are the purposes of discipline. And again, this answers the “Why?” of why we discipline.

Number one, we are protecting our children from their own nature. The Bible says in Proverbs 22:15, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him.” I’ve got to protect my children from their own foolish nature. Ladies and gentlemen, this can be a life or death thing. You’ve got to teach your children to obey your voice. When I say, “No,” it means no. When I say, “Stop,” it means stop right where you are. Why? Because it could mean life or death for that child.

In taking a child with you into a store, you must teach a child to stay with you in that store. Before we went into a store, we always had a conversation with our kids. We told them two things. “You stay right with us and don’t you touch anything. If you leave our sight and if you touch anything without permission, you will get a spanking when you get home. Do you understand that?”

We could take our children anywhere because when we took them places they never touched anything in that place. Some kids just go in and dismantle a store. Let me tell you something, in the day we live. . .with all these kidnappings and everything, you had better teach that child to stay with you. They are foolish. They will go with strangers for candy. They will do the most foolish things. They will stand in the bathtub and use a hairdryer! They don’t know!

Foolishness is bound up in their hearts, and correction takes their own nature and keeps it from destroying them.

Number two, we discipline to instill character and moral values. We’re teaching you not to lie. We’re teaching you not to use or abuse other children. We’re teaching you not to defy authority because these are the values and the character that we want in you. Our home had punishments and rewards to instill these values in our kids.

Number three, we discipline children to prepare them for reality and success. We are image bearers of God on the earth.

The reality is, God spanks. Hebrews 12 says, “He scourges every son whom He has received,” and if you don’t have discipline as a Christian then you are not His son. The sign that you are a son is that God spanks you. How many of you have been spanked by God? That means that you are loved children of God. And so I’m preparing my kids for reality. God is a rewarder, but He also disciplines.

Or purchase the entire, five-session Successful Parenting series at MarriageToday’s online resource center at marriagetoday.com/store.